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Love Lifted Me!


Things That Help

This page is a page for people to learn how to help someone who has lost a loved one. I write these simple suggestions speaking from experience. It is hard to know what to say when someone loses someone and it is very awkward. Most people want to do something but they are not sure what is appropriate thing to do. Little things mean a lot at this time.

1. At the time of a person's loss remember they are in shock. They have a hard time making decisions but it is important that you are there.
2. Let them make decisions on what they want to do. Some people can notify everyone but others cannot handle passing on the bad news.

3. Let them person speak of the deceased. It is not morbid they were part of their lives, and they still love that person. It hurts more when everyone acts like they didn't exist. You can recall wonderful memories of this person even after the funeral. It means a lot.

4. Take care of the trivial things. The bereaved person doesn't care about the dishes or cleaning the house or cooking.They need a person to take charge of this.

5. If there are children in the house remember they are grieving too. Allow them to speak of their loss and cry like everyone else.

6. Never assume that a person isn't grieving just because they are not crying. They are hurting on the inside. Everyone is different. Some people hold pain inside and grieve in silence.

7. Never assume when the funeral is over that the grief is over, that person has suffered a loss. It can go on for a long time and sometimes that is when they need you the most.

8. Remember that person's life has changed and they have to change with it and it takes time. Every person that we loose in our life makes our life different and we have to adjust to the loss.

9. Never say they are in a better place they don't want to hear it, even though sometimes it is true when someone dies of a terrible illness.

10. Some people cannot be religious at this time, some can. You have to let the person who is grieving let you know how they feel about this at that particular time. Don't say they are in a better place it is something some people really doesn't want to hear at the time.

11. When the funeral is over write you fondest memories of that person. It is a great comfort to those who are suffering the loss.

12. Never worry about speaking of the departed. The person grieving wants to remember their life, in fact they are afraid that everyone will forget them.

13. Remember after the funeral that person does not have a disease. It is those little visits and phone calls that helps that person get back to a normal life. If you don't know what to say just talk about what is going on in life in general.

14.When there are small children suffering the loss let them talk about how they feel. They are feeling pain too. It doesn't matter what they say but they need to express what they are going through.(they are more honest about life than the adults).

15. Remember no behavior for the bereaved is unusual. They may cry, be angry, be numb, speak constantly, go to the cemetery quite often etc. It is their way of coping, and if it helps them.Let them do it without being critical. They are trying to adjust the best way they know how. If it makes them feel better that is the only thing that counts.

16. Remember that we cannot answer the question "why" this person has died. Some things in life just does not have a explanation.

17. Grief has no time period. It can last a long time or a short time. It is not something you get over. It is a time period in a person's life that they have to adjust to change because their life has changed.

18.Remember loving someone does not stop with death. Once a person loves someone it never ceases they are always a part of their life even though they are gone.

20. Remember the person who is suffering will remember all the things you have done later on, and it does mean a lot to them. They are truly grateful you were there. It was those little things that made a difference in that person's time of need that made life more bearable and help them go on with life.


Healing

Healing to the bereaved comes one moment at a time.I think for the first year the anniversary dates start with saying a hour ago he/she was there, and then it is a day, a month, a year. It goes on this way for a long time. It is in the subconscious that this is happening. It seems that you take baby steps to go back to a normal life. It may be a hour that you did the things without thinking of the love one that you had lost. There is no set time limit on how long before you get back to a so called normal life. It is okay it is just part of the grieving process that everyone goes through. I myself would sometimes go back to that dreadful day by hearing a song, seeing something that totally reminded me of my loved one. I call these my flashbacks. It is little by little that this day becomes part of the past and you start just remembering the wonderful times that you had with this person in your life. You still miss them but the pain slowly becomes more bearable. My child died in a auto-pedestal accident and I was never angry and I could not hate the person that hit her. I saw no point in it, as I feel that it was just a freak accident. She had made a error in driving and we could all make the same mistake. She had to live with it. I wanted to have my loving memories. It took a few years but little by little life became "normal". I found new friends and hobbies to occupy my time. At first I felt that if I did not remember all the things of my daughter's life that I was not grieving. Oh, how wrong I was. She was gone and it was okay to smile, and laugh. It was okay to sit and enjoy the small things in my life. Life is for the living. We need to live and go on. My life had changed and I had to change with it. I began to try and help those who had gone through the same thing. I tried to tell them it is okay to feel the way you feel, and soon the pain would ease. It was a few years later that they would tell me that I had help them. I will never forget one parent who said the only person I remember being there was you. I asked her why do you say that? She said because you had been through what I was going through and you are still here and you are going on with your life. I guess we don't realize that one moment in time and what we do can affect someone life. It may be our presences and a few kind words. It cost nothing and it can mean so much. We can all make a difference. Love goes a long way it cannot be bought and it is something that we all can give.Take the time to care it can truly mean a lot to someone.


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