Sonja's Love
In each of our lives someone touches us and makes our life more fulfilling. It gives us more of reason to live and fills an emptiness that we did not know we had. It touches us so deeply we do not even know it has happened. It does not seem that long ago this little person came into my life and fulfilled an empty part of my life. She was my angel child. She gave me true happiness and a purpose for life. It was her life that made me live.
I could spend hours holding this child watching every movement so tiny and fragile and so sweet. As her eyes gazed into mine, it filled me with warmth. I knew then that this was what life was all about. I thought to myself, what a privilege it is to has this small soul, and hoped that I could be the best mother ever. As this child grew day by day she had a few problems. She was not a really healthy child although it was nothing too serious. She was fragile and tiny unlike me. MY heart wept with each small illness hoping that she would be healthy again. Little by little she grew and became a little healthier. She was so sweet as she looked at you with her deep blue yes and would smile. She had stolen my heart. She began to grow and develop into this little person who had so much to offer. Even as a small baby she was loving and just a little shy. I don't think she ever changed.
Before long it was time for her to go to school. Where had all the time gone? It was on a sunny day in December that her short life ended. She was eight then. I can remember like yesterday. I heard the noise of the emergency crews not thinking much about it, and then came that dreaded knock at the door. She had been hit by a car. OH, God no I thought. As I ran toward the street, I saw her shoes laying in the road. Yes it was she. My heart was torn a part, and nobody was telling me anything. The trip to the hospital took forever although it was not that far. Somehow I knew but I did not want to know. I heard those dreaded words . . . she is gone and I wanted to scream but I could not. I could feel the pain but I could not say a word, I was numb and did not want to hear it. My thoughts were maybe they were wrong. I had to see. As I walked into the room where she was I stood and gazed at my loving daughter: it was she. Her face was chalky white, and I remember a slight smile upon her face. Her soul had departed and there I stood looking at her empty shell. I had only one regret at that
moment. I did not get to tell her I loved her and say good-by. I finally began to cry holding back the hysterics that I felt knowing that her sibling had to be told. I don't think there is anything harder in life, but knew it had to be done. I soon knew I had to have the strength to carry on the arrangements I must make. I sit there and thought what tribute could I give this child. I sat and
wrote a small story of her life, this was all I could do. My heart was breaking but I knew I could not lose control for the other children could have their whole life ruined and it was not fair to them.
It took time but I soon realized this person me loved was not so far away. I just missed her presence with her touch and her laugh and sweet smile with her big blue eyes. I know deep in my heart that I still love her and she loves me also as death is not the end of love. I know that this was one of the hardest trials in my life. It took a long time to begin to feel again. I was so numb and the only thing I felt was pain. There were times that I would cry uncontrollable tears. I felt like screaming and wanted the pain to go
away. I felt cheated and angry my child was gone. I wanted a reason for her death. I could not find the answers. Why didn't God take me instead of her? She deserved a life!
I wanted to remember everything this child had done in her short life and .I would try remember it all, but I could not. The fear of forgetting ravaged my mind. I know at times I was between sanity and insanity. I know that there were times that I could not speak to anyone, and times that I just could not feel. I had shut down all emotions to life ,and then there were days I was angry felt cheated. All my emotions were to the extreme. I could find no enjoyment in life. I had times where I could not eat or sleep even sit in a chair. There were days I did not want to go on but I knew I must. I had to fight for survival. I know now when they put survivors of the deceased means. It means fighting for life. It is a emotional struggle for life. You have to fight to get back to somewhat of a normal way of life. This trauma brings you to your knees and takes the life right out of your soul.
I went through the daily chores of taking care of a house and two other children. I sometimes wondered what kind of mother am I to these two. I became very protective and could not let them out of my sight, and if I heard the sounds of sirens, I panicked. It took a long time but I know this was not a good thing. I finally had to let go, and let these children have a normal life. I think my coping skills was blocking the things that might happen to them. It was not fair to them to hold them back and they needed to do the things that other children were doing. I had to put my fears aside and let them get on with life. I know that they had pain too but not letting them get back to living a normal type of life was not fair to them.
Finally I had to admit to what I was really feeling. I was sad. I was angry. I
was lonely for my child. I had to cry at times. I learned I had to be true to my own feelings. It didn't matter what others thought, as they did not understand my pain. You could not explain to them that this was something you do not just get over like a cold. People who had lost someone understood those who had not suffered any losses could not. I began to think who cares what others think, I know what I feel and I have to deal with this the best way I can, and each person does it differently. I soon began to feel
again. It would be just a few moments at a time. I grew past feeling guilty for enjoying things because my child was gone. It was okay to smile and enjoy the normal things in life. It made me look at life differently. You realize that small things in your life that you
would normally get upset over did not matter any more, and that you had to grasp each day.. Life is precious and in a blink of a eye it can all change. I learned to love deeply again and give of myself. I think the most important thing is I realized is that we cannot ask why things happen to us in life. They just are. When I stopped asking myself"why,"
that things are just are the way they are, I began to heal. There is no explanation for death, it is just a part of life that happens in everyone's life. It is something that we all have no control over, and it changes our lives. We have to change because our life has changed when we go through a death.
I look at life now savoring each moment and each friendship, loving each person for who they are. Each person in our life is a gift that enriches us and teaches us many wonderful things. We sometimes take for granted they will always be here. I cannot waste the gifts that so many people give me each day. I hope that when I leave this earth that all that I have known will know one thing. I truly loved you and accepted you for who you are and the gift you have given me.
This was written for the child's last services it was all I had left to give her.
LETTER OF FAREWELL TO MY DARLING DAUGHTER
Dear Beautiful Daughter
I think when you were born you gave me life, instead of me giving you life. You were so loving all arms and legs. You were as dainty as a rose and as beautiful as a china doll. As a baby you loved to be near Dad and me. Always loving us. It was tough to watch you suffer through all your sickness
As you grew, we brought a little sister home, who you loved so dearly. There was a
lot of fun to be remembered with nephews and nieces. At two you ran away from home with Tommy. And that was just a few of the cute things to happen. All our birthdays had specially meaning with all the kids that came. The fun and joy of everyone meant a lot to you. Gile, Dixie, Kay and Sue always felt so close to you. They hardly missed your special days.
At age three, we moved to another house. You did the usual things like playing in the dirt and riding trike. You also loved to dance and we would all dance together, and Dad would play ball with you. You learned quickly how to write your name, and say little poems.
One day I remember you decided to bathe all your little animals, what a job! You wanted to help Mom as you did from age of one. I remember you would tottle along and put the dishes in the sink. When age four came along, Mom had to work but we still had time together. Grandma lived here and you grew to really know and love her.
Sonja went to Head Start, anxiously awaiting for the bus. You really loved
being artistic there and made cute little cards and surprises. The bus trips were something very special to you. Shauna and Sonja loved to play together, sometimes they would play like they were taking pictures, having hours of fun. During this time we spent many hours with nieces and nephews enjoying life as a child. As the age of five came near, little brothers came along and oh how much fun we had taking care of him. You loved him so much.
By year six you had a birthday and Dad was very sick in the hospital. Sister Kay was there to help us along with her love. Then disaster hit. You were hit by a motorcycle and had to be hospitalized. As you were recovering two weeks later, Dad passed away. It was a very hard time for us all but you would comfort me and help me when I was so ill.
Soon we had a new Dad and how you loved LeRoy, even when he made you take responsibilities, and you were always the first one to greet him with a smile when he came home from work.
We took your tonsils out and thought you would do so much better. You were still so frail. We hoped you would put some weight on but you never did.
Dear Daughter's you gave me comfort, love, and understanding. You always took the time to share yourself with us. I never knew anyone who tried to be such a perfectionist as you, and be so tidy and particular about your clothes and appearance.
How you loved to skate and be with Wendy, Theresa, Sherry, Staci, Terry,
Shelly and sister and brother, Mike Calder was special in your heart too. Thank your God for letting me borrow Sonja for eight a half years. Daddy Cliff take care of her now. She must be perfect now.
To my lovely darling daughter I write this poem and last tribute to you:
Oh sweet Child of mine Your gave me life, When life was dread.
You gave me hope. You gave me love, In times of emptiness You comforted me in grief.
Now I must say good-by,
And my heart is empty without you.
I know our love will forever bond us.
Who but you will know the happiness that in yours now.
In my sadness you are here to comfort me.
To you my lovely beautiful child
I must say good-by, until I am there to meet you again.
God take care of you.
Love Forever Mom
(Written on December 22,1976)
Sonja Shemaine born April 7,1968 Died December 22,1976
See A Picture of Sonja
Read About The Author of Sonja's Love
Nothing Sweeter Than A Child's Innocence.
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